What the F**k Is F**kable?
Seriously? What the fuck is fuckable?? I do not know if I can reply that query for you, however I can share my very own expertise.
When I was 19 or so, I was standing in a Starbucks in West Hollywood with a director, speaking concerning the upcoming movie we have been about to shoot. It had been an extended street, however we had lastly made it. Waiting for our espresso, I might see that he appeared a bit uneasy. I requested him if every little thing was okay. He stated sure. I did not consider him, so I requested him once more. He checked out me and stated “Heather, I’m sorry, we now have to offer your position to a different actor. The producers don’t need you.” I did not perceive. I had been hooked up to this undertaking for 2 years, and now two weeks earlier than filming, I’m being let go. I requested him why. He appeared me lifeless within the eyes and stated “They say you are not fuckable.” Well, fuck me. Even as I write this, I can nonetheless really feel the ache, disgrace, and humiliation that came to visit me in that second. This is part that I had been so excited to play. She was daring, witty, sarcastic, attractive, however extra importantly, she had a deeper vulnerability beneath. She had layers, she was complicated.
I do not actually keep in mind what occurred moments later, apart from a couple of phrases from the director like “sorry” “Investors” “love you.” Later that day, he stated “I nonetheless need you to do that film. We have one other half for you, that we expect you would be nice for. Right now it is small, however I’ll make it greater, so it is value your whereas.” What does a woman do? Do you say sure, okay, as a result of the script is superb, and nice individuals are hooked up, or do you say, go fuck your self, fuck no, as a result of I have my delight, and thanks for losing the final two years of my life.
I stated sure. I stated sure. It was arduous. It was troublesome, however I did it as a result of I beloved the script, and the individuals who have been on the undertaking. What I did not love was the politics, and what can be my first actual style of what gross fucks financers may be. And no, they don’t seem to be actual producers. Scott Rudin, Christine Vachon, Jane Rosenthal, these are producers. There is a distinction.
You do not actually know what moments are going to assist form who you will grow to be. I did not know then simply how damaging these phrases can be. Three phrases. “You’re not fuckable.”
Other phrases I hooked up to “You’re not fuckable” have been ugly, disgusting, loser, failure, DISGUSTING…. That was the most important phrase. It made me really feel as if individuals questioned why I ought to even be taking over area. “Who the fuck are you to be taking over area on this planet you unfuckable fucking fuck?”
I carried this with me into my late 20s. Along with that, I had continuous affirmation that I was certainly not fuckable based mostly on the truth that the telephone wasn’t ringing fairly often, and my brokers on the time have been solely sending me roles for “plain janes” or “very giant ladies.” Mind you, I’m H’A and weigh one hundred twenty. And as I write this, I even have the thought, I need to eat some pizza.
Oprah talks about how all we would like is to be seen. Well, I did not assume my brokers have been seeing me, I did not assume casting administrators have been seeing me and I started to really marvel, am I NOT seeing me? Am I ugly? Am I this unfuckable, gross, disgusting creature who ought to solely be forged because the fats woman, or the freak? But then I realized one thing. Of course they have been seeing me, as a result of that is precisely how I noticed myself. That’s how I noticed myself from the time I was eleven, across the time I did Dollhouse. Until then, the definitions of beauty hadn’t registered in my mind. I simply knew it when I noticed it, often when I had a crush. After Dollhouse got here out, I learn the evaluations. I was requested loads of questions by reporters, resembling, “How does it really feel to play the ugly duckling?” “How does it really feel to play somebody so unattractive?” and in my little thirteen-yr-previous head, all I heard was, how does it really feel to BE ugly? So it was that rather more devastating when it was confirmed but once more, by somebody whom I revered, who I thought noticed me, noticed my beauty, noticed my sexiness, noticed my energy, noticed my functionality.
Truthfully, I really feel that each one ladies go through this, particularly actors. Will we be seen?
For me, I needed to cease sitting shiva, take away the blanket from my mirror and look. I had to take a look at my beautiful face, with my piercing blue eyes, my pouty lips, small chin, barely crooked nostril, full tooth and smile. I needed to actually take a look at myself and see my beauty, and as soon as I might settle for the tough actuality that I was certainly, not solely fuckable, however fucking lovely, every part began to vary. The roles I began to get referred to as in for have been ladies who have been ” lovely, assured, safe,” they have been complicated, that they had chew, that they had depth.
So, I am grateful that I obtained to have that have. I’m grateful to all the individuals, whether or not they’re producers, casting administrators, brokers, buyers who stated, “Nope, she’s not fuckable, she’s gifted, we love her, however she’s not fuckable.” Because, I am. I am fuckable. And no, you possibly can’t fuck me. I’m taken.